The Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta has published a guide advising citizens on the best course of action to take in the event of a zombie outbreak.

It’s truly wonderful to see government organisations finally taking some initiative and responsibility in this area, and it can only be hoped that more public sector bodies follow this example. We don’t want to see another Leicester incident in our lifetimes.

Overall, this is a solid policy that will serve the people of America well in the face of disaster, but there are some noticable areas for improvement and a few inaccuracies.

“We’ve all seen at least one movie about flesh-eating zombies taking over (my personal favorite is Resident Evil)”

This cannot be correct. Everybody knows that Resident Evil is a fucking terrible film.

“where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much?”

A common misconception, but zombies do not simply hunger for brains. They are more than happy to munch on any living flesh, so anyone expecting to survive the onslaught just by popping on a particularly sturdy hat is in for a nasty – and brief – surprise.

The passage about possible sources of zombie infection and potential infection vectors is much better informed – solid work from the CDC here really showing where their expertise lies.

“The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen.”

Could happen? Will happen.

The CDC suggest your should maintain an emergency kit containing essential items you’ll need in the event of an outbreak. Their list includes:

Mostly good, although what use your driving license will be is questionable at best. Zombies are not known for their strict IDing policies.

A radio will obviously be essential for monitoring the state of society’s collapse, and of course you should always carry as much duct tape as you can carry. Some WD40 would probably be useful as well, even if just for its comforting aroma. The point about medication is invalid, infection can be staved off with regular doses of Zombrex although it will be extremely expensive in the post-apocalyptic trading posts. Be prepared to barter.

Where the CDC’s list falls down is with what’s missing:

1. A bloody big shotgun. As shown in countless movies and games, the trusty boomstick is your best friend in any zombie situation. Powerful, simple to maintain, and with a damage profile that perfectly suits the ‘destroy the brainstem’ approach that zombie combat requires. Assault rifles require too much accuracy, pistols are useful as a last resort but lack long-range stopping power.

If you have time before the sirens sound, it’s worth looking up this little number. Not only does it incorporate a huge amount of survival kit, it also comes equipped with flashlight, 5″ bayonet and a plaque bearing an inspirational quote to read out while laying down some shotgun justice for maximum badass factor.

2. Hand-to-hand backup. If you’re caught low on ammo you always want your cricket bat to fall back on.

3. Transport. Keeping on the move is essential for surviving the zombie apocalypse – holing up somewhere is an invitation for the mindless hordes to build up numbers and smash their way in. As soon as confirmation of an outbreak hits the news (or the news shows George Alagiah clutching Huw Edwards’ spine with bits of eyeball hanging out of his mouth) you should be looting your local Land Rover dealership. Make sure you stock up on fuel as well. Actually maybe some sort of van would be best – maybe the Scooby Do gang were on to something after all.

4. Fire starting and hunting equipment. You may need to be self sufficient for some time depending on how long it takes the army to clear out major population centres. Most animals should be fair game as they seem to be immune to the zombie virus (apart from dogs usually, so if you do have a canine pal, expect a heartbreaking scene later on where it gets infected while saving your life and you have to take it outside and ‘Old Yeller’ it.)

The CDC’s tips for post-outbreak action are mainly sound, especially:

“Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

However, the plan does advise making for a refugee camp or evacuation shelter. This is a terrible idea and frankly negligent on the part of the CDC. Although there are obvious benefits in being with other non-infected survivors, a densely populated area is the last place you want to be. All it takes is one arsehole smuggling in their infected child and before you know it the camp is in uproar. An enclosed space packed with people is the ideal environment for rapid, uncontrollable spread of the infection and in the unlikely event that you do get out in time you’ll probably be stuck without access to your supplies.

Instead, you are much better off lone-wolfing it until the infection dies down. Keep on the move, avoid towns and cities, sleep in shifts so you can maintain a watch or keep driving. You just need to hang on long enough for the army to do their thing, so just make sure you don’t let yourselves get cornered. One or two zombies out in the open – anyone should be able to take care of that. Try to fortify an abandoned shopping centre, and you’ll soon have thousands of the groaning bastards forcing their way in from all sides.

Stay mobile and trust your boomstick!